Chapter Thirty One – The Conception

There I sat in a dimly lit dive in south Ajax. The odour of stale beer and second hand smoke hang in the air as though the grimy yellowed window in the corner hadn’t been opened since the honourable Kim Campbell had served as Canada’s 19th prime minister. The mundane chatter of past their prime labourers aggressively critiquing the Toronto Maple’s hummed in the back ground as I received a text message...it was from her. This dame I went to high school with and later had two children with. Her text read “When the hell are you getting your fat ass home, I’m horny.”

Crap... Allie just told me to skip the conception part...

Chapter Thirty Two – The Office

There I sat at my desk. The Jays were playing the Yankees. I had just Face booked that Rogers is a bunch of douche waffles because “their watch every game online” wasn’t showing the game. (A problem which I must commend Rogers for as they had corrected the problem by the second inning). My sister had just emailed me that her and my dad were sitting in the back yard watching the game with some cold beers in hand. Allie, the boys and I had lunch in the mall food court that day, which made it hard to drag myself back into the office.

The sun danced through my desk plant, flickering beams of summer on my paper work and mocking my confinement. I had serious thoughts of taking a half a vacation day to join my family in my parent’s yard to watch the ball game. I strained to conjure up the will power to remain motionless at my desk. Just as I thought I would break and start packing up my belongings I received a text. “I think my water just broke” I picked up the phone but was too nervous to remember our number which I have a hard time recalling at the calmest of moments. I tried three numbers with no success. Another text message comes though “Yep, it did.”

I finally pull myself together enough to dial the right number. “Serious” I say as Allie picks up the phone. “Oh, yeah, this is fucking gross.”

“Ok, I’m on my way home, or do you need me to come home? Of course, I’m coming home”

“Ok, but I’m fine, no contractions, it just really gross”

“I’ll see you soon.”

I called my daughter and my parents and worked out some details. My office mates over heard me say that Allie’s water broke and were all over me. I think I did a good job of hiding my nervousness. After some jokes and well wishes I was out the door and on my way home.

I took the most traffic polluted route home, forgetting that there was construction at our high way cut off, listening first to some classic rock then some classical music to calm things down.

Chapter Thirty Three – The Murray McBride Manor

I sped into the drive way, slammed the car into park then put my cool as a cucumber persona on again. I gather my bag from the back seat and went into the house. Everything was normal. The boys doing their thing, and Allie chilling, except for a few washroom breaks.

I was nervous, but seeing Allie’s calm brought me into the right groove. I looked at the mess the boys and ourselves had accumulated over the last little while and started cleaning so that the eminent arrival of the midwives and guests would have somewhere toy and laundry free to park themselves. As we folded laundry, picked up some toys, and move some things around Allies friend Jordan showed up.

We got the birthing pool in place and then sat to relax for a bit. I was nominated to go the beer store. (This is my story, that’s how it happened).

Chapter Thirty Four – The Beer Store

Nothing “contraction wise” was happening at home so I went to the grocery store to gather supplies. Muffins, trail mix, ginger ale, fruit... all the essentials necessary for extracting one human from another. I rushed through the grocery store crossing items off my list and buying about 20 items that weren’t on the list. After running through the cash and loading up the car, I can see my next stop from where I was parked. The beer store, standing strong and proud at the other end of the parking lot. With its oversized frothing beer-mug-store-front guiding my way, I pulled the car around and entered the store.

The only cash open is the bottle return cash. I rush in narrowly beating a man with a shopping cart full of loose cans, but lose my place as I veer off to grab my standard 28 case of Moosehead lager. As I head back towards the cash the man with the cans is nice enough to let me go first. I say “Thank you, my wife is in labour and she will probably appreciate me getting back quicker”. The man looks at me for a second then just laughs. The lady working the cash says “Really? Your wife’s in labour and you’re out buying 28 beers?”

“Yes, It’s our fourth kid” I respond.

“Wow, I don’t know what to say” she says next.

“Hey, she’s having a home birth and she’s the one who send me out to the grocery store, which is very close to the beer store.”

The lady chuckles, she and the man wish us luck and I am on my way home.

Chapter Thirty Four – The Wait

I spent the next couple of hours asking what I need to do and getting it done. We filled the pool. We got blankets and towels ready, we watched dancing on TV??? I eventually changed it to baseball. The midwives showed up. First one, then the second, and later a third. I was expecting one, but towards the end didn’t know how many would show up. Regardless of the number of midwives I found each one just as pleasant and accommodating towards Allie’s needs as the last.

A few hours went by without much progression in Allie’s labour. First Willy went to bed (which I think happened before the midwives showed up) then Dewy followed a few hours later. It was as Allie fought off contractions while putting Dewy down that things started getting juicy.

Chapter Thirty Five – The Big Squeeze

Contractions went from, “ouch” to” WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!” in a matter of minutes. Next thing we know Allie is being checked for dilation, and minutes later she is in the birthing pool. This is where all the ladies shined and I took a step back to make sure my oafish demeanour didn’t step on anyone’s toes. Though I’ve seen my other three children born from start to finish, I find others are better prepared at encouraging the labouring mother through these moments. My strengths lie in repeating the encouraging words of others, being a hand holder and water boy.

Allie has found her position in the pool that offers her the most comfort. The midwives and Jordan are incredible. Allie is howling through the pain with Jordan soothing her the whole way. The midwives are prepared with everything you would need. That is when I’m asked if I would like to catch the baby. For a split second I think “Sure, I haven’t done that before” followed by “No way, I’m not dropping a brand new baby into the water”. I decline. Luckily Jordan didn’t even let me finish my sentence before she was already putting on the gloves and jumping into position.

I don’t know how many minutes passed but looking back it seems like it was two. I heard Jordan exclaim that she could feel the head, and then the midwife said something about a girl part being in the way, then that part wasn’t in the way anymore and Allie was good to start pushing.

Chapter Thirty Six – Welcome Declan

I swear it was seconds after Allie started pushing that the ladies said “...and the head is out” which I’ve known from my other children to be the most challenging part of giving birth. A couple of seconds later, mixed with some guttural primal screams from Allie, and Jordan is holding up our brand new son... she shows me the baby and gives me a look, I swear I see a penis, it must have been the way the cord or some other birthing goop was sitting but I swear I saw a tiny little wiener.

Allie is passed the baby and goes nuts... “We have our Emilie!!! I have my little girl!!!” That’s about when I clued in that look that Jordan had given was “It’s a girl!” I’m stunned, sitting absorbing Allie’s reaction to having the baby. My heart is warm. She is so estatic. It is then that I’m reminded that I should have been taking pictures. That’s when I fetch Jordan her camera and go and join Allie and Emilie. It is then that I see my daughter’s face for the first time. She’s precious.

Chapter Thirty Seven – The After Party

I cut Emilie’s cord and got to hold her for the first time. She’s so tiny compared to Willy, so fragile, so not a pain in my ass yet. She’s precious. We move our party upstairs to the bed. Allie gets to feed her for the first time. She’s a natural, which is good because she’ll need that baby fat and muscle to defend herself again her older brothers until they turn into her protectors.

We send out our texts and call our family. Everyone is relaxing in the room. A job well done. I don’t think it could have went any more perfect.

I drive Jordan home before the midwives have to leave. I could really hear the excitement in Jordan’s voice as we chatted on the drive. She is truly a great friend to be there for Allie with such emotion and passion.

When I arrive back home I help the midwives out and Allie and I sit in the bed and soak in all that has happened that evening. Our daughter is beautiful. She’s perfect. We’re wired and can’t sleep. I grab a beer and make some bagels for us. We eat and talk, our eyes almost never leaving this beautiful little girl who has made our family complete.

Here we are...a place I hoped we’d never be... it’s 3:30am and time to discuss a hospital transfer...

I’ve been out of the birthing pool for just over two hours and am laying on our couch wrapped in all the towels and blankets we could find. I’m freezing cold and shivering as I hear my midwife say, “It’s time to discuss the options.” We had previously selected a specific hospital for transfer – if needed – but that no longer seems to be our best option so we run down a list of nearby hospitals. The house suddenly turns into a command center. Both of my midwives and my doula are walking around the first floor of our townhouse calling hospitals to see who is on-call and how they will handle my case.

You see...I’m breech. Well, my baby is breech, and I’ve been in labor for 48 hours now. I’m 7 centimeters and entering transition as we decide to make the transfer. All the nearby hospitals say they will do an automatic C-section if I’m brought in, but I don’t want a C-section. I know I can deliver my baby vaginally even with a breech presentation. The midwives begin calling OBs directly. They know of one female OB in the area that will allow moms to deliver vaginally for breech presentations, but she says she won’t take me because it’s my first baby. The odds are against me. It isn’t looking like I’ll be able to deliver vaginally after all. I’ve worked so hard these past two days to get to where I am and can’t believe I’ll have to be cut. The feelings of defeat begin to set in. There is one more possibility though. It’s a male OB that is in another county. It’s an hour drive to get to him. We make the call and wake him. I’m not expecting him to say anything different than the others, but within a few minutes my midwife enters my living room and says, “He’ll take you! I told him you were breech and wanted to deliver vaginally and he said to bring you in.” Thank you God! Off we go...

It’s after 4:00am, and my midwife is driving at the head of the pack. We’re on the Florida Turnpike with a general idea of where the hospital is. We’re relying on her memory for what exit to take. My husband is driving me, and my parents are following us. Behind them is my doula. It’s a four-car caravan in the middle of the night driving north for my last chance to deliver our baby naturally.

Surprisingly, I remember most of the drive. My pain is more intense and constant than it has been. I’m shivering cold and telling my husband to turn off the A/C one minute and taking everything off and asking for the A/C colder the next. I can’t get comfortable. I ask him to slow down. Each and every bump makes the contractions all the more difficult to manage. I’m screaming in pain. I’m in and out of sleep the entire ride.

My parents must think I’m crazy. I didn’t prepare them for this. They don’t know that there’s plenty of time before the baby arrives. They must be scared that I’ll have the baby in the middle of the road. I had told them I’d go to the nearest hospital if I needed a transfer. That hospital is a 3-minute drive from my house to the emergency room entrance. But I can’t go there. I can’t walk in there knowing that I won’t be given a chance to birth my baby. I have to make this journey to the one place where I have a shot at a natural birth.

About an hour later, we arrive at the hospital and I am admitted. The OB enters my room and does an internal exam to check how I’m doing. I’m still 7 centimeters. He then announces, “This is an automatic C-section.” In that moment the last bit of hope that I had remaining of delivering my baby naturally disappeared.
~
Over 48 hours ago, my mucus plug released, and my contractions started at 6 minutes apart. I wasn’t expecting it to happen like that. I know plenty of women who lose their mucus plug and don’t go into labor for days or even a week. I settled into the couch downstairs and kept timing the contractions to be sure this was the real thing before I woke anyone up. It was 4:00am, and I was certain I’d meet my baby within this day.

Two hours later, my contractions were going strong at about 4 minutes apart. I woke my husband with the good news and texted my midwife to give her a heads up. I began what turned into a marathon of vomiting. My contractions continued. My midwife and doula came by. Halfway through the day, I was 1 centimeter dilated and 100 percent thinned. Seemed unreal, but I knew better than to let the actual number disappoint me. It could be worse, so I took it in as progress.

My midwife left to return later in the day. My doula stayed. I rode out the contractions sitting on my recliner with my husband on his knees in front of me. The warmth of his hands on my thighs alleviated my pain more than he could understand. I slept, if only for a few seconds, between each contraction. My midwife returned. Time passed. I showered. Then, it was nighttime. I thought, “This should do it. I am more of a night person anyway. I’ll feel more relaxed and make good progress once the sun is down and I’m surrounded by darkness.” We all spent this first night together as my contractions continued. The TV was on, and although I was not focused on it, I was relieved that it was helping the time pass for everyone else. Everyone (except for me) took a few hours to nap. In the morning, I was 3 centimeters—progress, but a long way to go still. My midwife and doula left for several hours. My husband was exhausted. I decided to call my mom and ask her to come stay with me while everyone rested. I didn't tell her over the phone that I’d been in labor for over 24 hours already, but she suspects something is going on.

I continued to vomit and feel tremendous strain as I got every bit of liquid bile out of my stomach. The next time I went to the bathroom, I saw a dark colored discharge that I hadn’t seen before. I was concerned it might be meconium. I called my midwife. My other midwife was closer to my home and got there quicker to check my discharge. It was meconium. My contractions continued. My mom spent the day with me while I continued to labor. She left in the early evening to return later on with my father, who stayed upstairs without my ever seeing him. Nighttime arrived for a second time as my midwife and my doula returned. All were present now along with my husband, who was able to get some rest upstairs. They were concerned about the marathon vomiting and were trying to get me to drink and eat as much as I could keep down. I managed to keep down some drinks and miso soup, but only temporarily.

My pain was increasing. The sleep I'd gotten between each contraction over the last day and a half gave me the stamina to continue. But the pain was increasing, and I needed to try something else. I asked for my birthing pool. My husband and doula prepared the water. I got in. It was absolutely magical! I was so happy to be in the water. I was so impressed with how much pain relief it provided. I enjoyed this stage of my birthing process as much as one could while experiencing the mounting contractions. My contractions intensified and my body temperature began to fluctuate. This was one of my concerns (the other was fear of having a migraine during labor). As a thyroid cancer survivor, my body’s temperature tends to fall lower than normal. I was hot from the birthing pool, but my entire body was shivering.

I had been in the birthing pool for some time, and it looked like my midwives felt things were moving along. I heard them preparing for the birth. They started to set up the table with all the birthing supplies they would need when the baby was born. My midwife wanted to check me again while I was still in the water. I was now 5 centimeters. Five centimeters! Five centimeters...unreal. I had the stamina to continue. I was not giving up. But I became aware of the time. I saw that we were about to hit the 48-hour mark. And I started to worry about what that meant...

My emotions began to speak. Internally, I called upon every woman that had ever birthed naturally. I asked for their support, their wisdom, their guidance and their presence. I called upon the spirit world to give me the strength that I needed in this moment. I found myself getting upset as I silently screamed for help. I heard myself saying, “Where are you?” as if the generations of women birthers had forgotten to come for me. I called on my own birth experience, as I was born weighing almost 12 pounds to a 5-foot mother who birthed me without drugs or interventions. “It’s in my genes! I can do this!” And as I was going through this catharsis internally, my baby’s heart rate started to rise.

I was no longer in the comfort of the birthing pool. I was cold, wet, and shivering, wrapped in all the towels and blankets we owned, laying on the couch as I heard the words I never wanted to hear. “It’s time to discuss the options.” “Options,” I thought, “what options? I don’t want options. I want to birth my baby. That’s my only option.” But I trusted my midwife wholeheartedly. She didn’t use the words, but I knew if she was saying this, then it really was time to discuss a transfer. And a hospital transfer was what we did at 4:30 in the morning, just over 48 hours from the time my contractions started on that early Tuesday morning.
~

It’s now almost 6:00am on Thursday morning, and my one last chance at a vaginal delivery has just announced that I should be given an automatic C-section. You see, my baby is not just breech, but a bit transverse. My water has broken, and I have meconium present. I’ve been vomiting for days, and apparently I broke a fever on the drive up. My baby’s heart rate continues to reach peaks that are too high and begins to plunge below the norm, and let’s get real...I’ve been in labor for two days now and am still at 7 centimeters.

As the sound of the word “C-section” rolls off the OB’s lips, I hear my husband’s voice. He’s speaking with full certainty and with a clarity that I’ve never before heard from him. He says to the OB, “We drove an hour for YOU!” My heart stops. My leg kicks my husband. I’m not breathing. I’m thinking, “Shut up!” Such few words, but so much is implied. I’m even beginning to feel fear. I think it’s because I don’t want my husband to lose his temper with the OB. I think it’s because I don’t want this OB to be upset with us since we need him on our side. But the truth is that those words have solidified our destiny. What I feel is the power of those words and how in that split second my life has taken the path that I was born to take...

The OB doesn't skip a beat. He says, “OK, let’s see what she can do” and leaves the room. He too must have felt the power of those words. By now my concept of time is nonexistent. All I know is that I’m in the hospital room with my husband, midwife, and doula. The hospital nurse also comes in and out. She insists I lay on my back. I beg to be able to sit up. My midwife turns me on my side. I’m no longer vomiting, but the pain is unbearable. I’m hardly awake. All I remember is darkness and the voices of my birth team. They say I’m doing great, but deep inside I am waiting for my C-section. You see, I begin to believe that it’s over. It’s not so much that I believe that I can’t do it, but I feel the C-section knocking at my door. It’s in the air. It’s seducing me, and I surrender to it – emotionally, I give in.

The OB returns, and I’m 8 centimeters now. I fall back to sleep and don’t hear if there is a decision made. More and more time passes as I wait. I’m confused. Why are my husband, midwife, and doula encouraging me? Why do they want me to keep bringing my breath and energy down? Why do they want me to keep laboring? Don’t they know I’m having a C-section? Don’t they feel the devastation that I’m feeling? Aren’t they in as much disbelief as I am in? I’m awake for so little time between contractions that I can’t ask them why they are saying all those things to me. I remain confused and continue waiting to be taken away to the OR.

I manage to get some words out and ask the infamous, “How many more?” referring to contractions. I know there is no answer, but I can’t help asking. I hear the OB's voice pierce through the darkness: “Do you want an epidural?” Before I even get a chance to consider, he says “No? Ok.” It’s as if he doesn’t want me to have one. He asked, but wasn’t really offering. That’s interesting. And why did he say, “No?” Don’t I need one for my C- section? I fall back to sleep before I can think this through.
~
I’m lying on my left side facing my husband and midwife. They are holding my hand and touching my thigh. I see their faces go blank. I feel the fear that just came over them. I suspect it has something to do with what I just felt. I see them staring at the external monitor—there is no heartbeat. I know what has happened and do my best to get the words out. My baby’s heart didn’t stop. I look at my midwife and say, “I PUSHED! I can’t not push! I HAVE to PUSH!”

It was such a divine feeling. My body had to push. It wasn’t mental or even physical. It was divine. I was moved by spirit to push. My body knew exactly when and how. It was time for my baby to be born...

Because of the baby’s breech position, I knew I’d be checked again. Everyone had made it clear that they needed to be certain that I was a full 10 centimeters before pushing to avoid the baby’s head getting trapped once the body had come through butt and feet first. A possible complication with breech births since the head is bigger than the body. The hospital nurse checks me, but neither my husband nor my midwife feel confident with her so we wait for my OB. My contractions stop and in those moments I feel a rush of life and absolute ecstasy come through me. After all we’ve been through, after giving in emotionally to a C-section, after more than two days of natural labor...the moment is finally here. I am going to PUSH my baby out!

About 7 minutes later, at 7:55am on Thursday morning, I give birth to a baby boy weighing 5 lbs, 14 ounces and measuring 19 inches long. He is born in front of an audience. Seems that the rumors had spread across the hospital that there was going to be a vaginal delivery of a breech presentation, and the hospital staff wanted to witness something they thought they’d never see. My husband recalls hearing a few of them say, “She’s going to do it natural? But they didn’t teach us natural birth for breech presentations in medical school!” to which he responded, “Watch her do it”. And I did it. Our son came out butt cheek, foot, and testicle first. A strange sight indeed, but a true testament to all that birth can be when allowed to take its natural, raw course.
 

My son is about to turn one and is as healthy and full of life as can be. Over this first year of his life, I have come to fully understand the power of those words my husband spoke. Those words that he spoke for me when I couldn’t speak them for myself. Those words that set us on course for a natural, vaginal delivery when we came as close as one can possibly come to getting a C-section. It was those words that paved the way for me to slip right through the massive “C-section Net” that catches so many of us. It was those very words that saved me. Not just from getting a C-section, but also from losing a piece of myself that I know I’d never get back. Had I ended up with a C-section that day, an essential piece of me would have died on that operating table. You may not understand, but I know I would have lost the very piece that makes me who I am. I would not have been aligned with what I know to be truth. The self-betrayal would have cut so deeply that I would have remained wounded for life far deeper than the scar I would have had on my abdomen. I would have been changed in a way so profoundly that I would not have survived the experience as myself. It would have affected my mothering, and it would have affected my marriage. My life would not be as it is. I would not be as I am – as I was born to be.

We live at a time when it’s the norm to make people feel comfortable about what happens in their lives. A time when we allow people to feel like they’ve done everything they possibly can even if things don’t go their way. But I feel we do each other a disservice in doing this. I didn’t need my birth team to make me feel ok with getting a C-section...I needed them to hold my vision of a natural, vaginal birth when I couldn’t do it for myself. I needed my husband to speak my truth when I couldn’t. I needed to be able to surrender to the devastation of having a C-section at the depths of my inner being while my birth team held my destiny in check so that I could peek out from within the disparity I was feeling and still feel the presence of the possibility of having a natural birth.

We are survivors. With that said, we adapt to what comes our way and make peace with it in order to continue to live. I assume I would have done some form of this had I ended up with a C-section and would today be a profoundly altered version of myself. But in all honesty, I thank my midwives, my doula, my OB, my baby, myself and most of all, my husband, each and every day because I don’t have to do that. It is because of this that I know birth. It is because of this that I know birth in the way that I was born to know it. It is because of this that I know myself.

As I prepare for my son’s first birthday I feel into the gift my husband and I gave him on his BIRTH-day. I remind myself of what we transmitted to our son with every choice we made and I remind my son to never betray himself as we did not betray ourselves throughout his birthing journey.

Books (Educational)

1. Gentle Birth Choices by Barbara Harper
   Barbara Harper, Founder of Waterbirth International, has published her new edition of Gentle Birth Choices, which is packed with information that every pregnant woman needs to know.  Although this book is not specifically about waterbirth, it has a large section about waterbirth that is extremely helpful for individuals considering a water birth. This book also comes complete with the award-winning Gentle Birth Choices DVD.
2. The Waterbirth Book: Everything You Need to Know from the World's Renowned Natural Childbirth Pioneer by Janet Balaskas
   This book is an in-depth, comprehensive guide to using water during childbirth, as well as during pregnancy and in infancy.
3. Water Birth: A Midwife's Perspective by Susanna Napierala
   This book provides a wealth of information, personal testimonies, and instruction and guidance for individuals planning a water birth. This book goes through all the questions that individuals who have never experienced a water birth may have in easy to understand language.
4. WATER LABOUR, WATER BIRTH: A guide to the use of water during childbirth by Annie Sprague
   This book is written with midwives, doulas, and mothers all in mind. Annie Sprague uses this book to summarize her research on birthing babies while being immersed in water.  Throughout this book, she helps to dispel the myths about waterbirth, provides guidelines for use of water during birth, documents personal testimonies, and more. This book is sure to answer many of the questions parents may have about waterbirth.
5. Choosing Waterbirth: Reclaiming the Sacred Power of Birth by Lakshmi Bertram, Sandra Amrita McLanahan and Michel Odent
   The purpose of this book is to show how waterbirth can be used to experience a natural, positive, empowering and beautiful birth.
6. Revisiting Waterbirth: An Attitude to Care by Dianne Garland
   This book is for individuals wanting to know a bit more than 'just the basics' on waterbirth. This text is considered essential for both students and professional midwives. It includes guidelines on using water during labour, clinical scenarios, waterbirth research, as well as evidence based advice.

Books (For Siblings)

1. Our Water Baby written by Amy Maclean and illustrated by Jan Nesbitt
   This is beautiful illustrated book is essential if you are planning to have siblings at the waterbirth of your baby. This book prepares children for what to expect during the weeks leading up to labour, the labour, and birth of their new sibling into water in a realistic, sensitive, and easy to understand way.
2. Mama, Talk About When Max Was Born written by Toni Olson and illustrated by S. Marie Carlson
   This book helps to normalizes home water birth for siblings. This book goes through the story of Max's mother learning about being pregnant, her experience during pregnancy, preparing for the birth, and giving birth to Max in the water in their living room.

In between contractions I had Marcel set up our video camera on a tripod because I wanted the whole birth process captured; everything that was said, every sound, everything. It was hard for him because I needed him right there with me through every contraction, so he had to run back and forth to set it up!

8:45 pm The doctor is here!!

I remember so clearly the moment he walked in the room. I could smell him before I even heard his voice (he wears very strong cologne!) and I was instantly relieved! I said,

“You made it!” and I must have had the biggest smile on my face. He said he had a feeling I’d have this baby in the next day or two, and I reminded him that I told him I wouldn’t have this baby when he was on vacation! There were a lot of smiles and laughs and I felt very safe and secure. He asked if I was ok with him checking to see where things are at and possibly breaking my water and I said that’s fine. He said after that I can get in the Jacuzzi or back on the birth ball; whatever I feel like doing. He estimated I was about 6.5 cm along now. I told him I was feeling rectal pressure. He said, “Well maybe you’re a little further along…” He reassured me that he reviewed my birth plan again and is on board with everything.

I climbed on the dreaded bed and lay down so he could check my cervix. That hurt bad. I didn’t like lying down at all, but I was ok with him checking me so it was fine. He patiently waited through a contraction so I was comfortable. He said, “Well that’s why you’re feeling so much pressure… you’re about 9 cm dilated and at about a +1 station!” Haha, I knew it! He broke my water which I was totally fine with and guessed with me about how many more contractions I would have till we had a birthday.

I was smiling, everyone was laughing and joking, it was so fun. He complemented me with how well I was in control. The lights were still turned down like they were the whole time, and I felt so powerful, happy, and peaceful. He asked me what I wanted to do now, giving me some off the bed suggestions, but I just wanted to stay where I was for the time being. He just said no problem, do what I need to do and he’ll just be hanging out here doing his “doctor thing.” I was told by the photographer and my husband that it seemed like he was meditating or sleeping on his stool, just hanging out with us. (I guess this was in between all his funny jokes… he had us all laughing and I still laugh when I watch the video, which I had Marcel start when I was lying down for the exam and we taped all the way till a couple hours after birth.)

The contractions were so very intense. After maybe two contractions after he broke my water I felt a small urge to push but fought it. I told him I felt a little pushy with that one and was holding back. He didn’t do anything about it, which is what I wanted, but I found myself a little scared to push without being told I’m complete and can push. It was amazing. Here I had researched so much about trusting my body and listening to my instincts and there I was, looking for direction to push! Thankfully the doctor knew my plan and just left me alone.

So I was searching for the strength to listen to my body and trust my ability to birth this baby without a doctor’s direction. It did take a few contractions to get there. It felt like forever, but realistically I think there was about 10 minutes of contractions with no urge to push. I realize now this was the time it took for me to gather myself and follow my body’s direction. I reminded the doctor not to clamp the cord right away, and he said absolutely and he didn’t forget. It was like I was making sure everything was perfect and in order before I brought my baby earth side. I still didn’t fear each contraction like I did with my other labors. They did hurt and were very intense, but I was aware of everything going on and felt like I was in total control of everything. It was an amazing feeling, especially knowing how close I was to giving birth, and still felt so calm and secure.

The doctor told the nurse to remove my contraction monitor because he could clearly see when I was having a contraction. I laughed.
I remember clearly the moment I realized I wanted to raise the bed more. I realized I didn’t want to give birth on my back and that’s exactly how I was at the moment! So I put the back up a little at a time. Every time I raised the bed, I had more pressure with every contraction and that urge to bear down was coming back; only this time I felt ready for it. I didn’t feel the need to strongly bear down, but I liked the feeling and wanted to continue letting my body bear down on its own. It felt great. I was grunting through the contractions and toward the end of them quietly moaned “oh yeah” because just felt awesome!

The doctor, who was still leaving me alone, could tell I was getting close and started getting things quietly ready. He said he had a feeling that when it’s time this baby is gonna get here like “gang busters” (whatever that meant!) so he wants to get ready. He told me he wanted to eliminate some of the chaos by not breaking down the bed, but instead we can just lower the foot part of the bed (as a precaution in case he needed to do something with the shoulders) and he tucked in the bag to catch all the “shtuff” under my bum.

My grunts were getting pretty loud and the nurse asked if I felt like I could push (which I ignored because I didn’t want to hear that). The doctor quickly corrected her and said my body is naturally bearing down right now and he thinks baby’s head is “right there”. A couple contractions later he checked to see if he was right, and he said “oh yeah, the head is right there”. He asked if I could move my bottom to the edge of the higher part of the bed. When I did that I couldn’t lean on the back of the bed anymore so I was straight up in a squat and held myself up with my arms off the back of the bed, and my feet were on the lowered part of the bed. I had one contraction in this position and it was the first and only one that I felt a strong urge to bear down with and it was the most amazing, powerful, and gratifying contraction I have ever had. I could feel his head moving down as I pushed and he was right there, and I did all of this on my own, with no I.V., and everything was going exactly as I had hoped, and it all lead up to that moment. I felt like I was a goddess and could conquer anything. I was moaning very loudly, screaming “Oh yeah” over and over. If anyone heard me in the hallway, they must have wondered if I was having a baby or making love. It was the most empowering moment of my life and also brought my baby’s head low enough to see!

That baby was right there, ready to greet the world. The doctor wanted to follow my plan of having my husband help with the delivery so he had him get gloves on and told me I had to lay back some if I wanted him to help. I really did not want to do that, and it hurt to lean back, but I really wanted Marcel to have an active part in receiving our son. As a struggled to lean back, I heard the nurse say to someone “no one can come in right now, she’s in the threshold!” I yelled, “who is it?!” and heard my mom say “it’s your mother!” I knew how badly she wanted to witness his birth, so I said, with much relief and shock that she made it in time, “she can come in!” I told her where to stand and with that hit the crowning contraction.

Now that did hurt, really bad. I screamed because that ring of fire was SO intense! I recognized that this was the crowning ring of fire so many women talk about (not sure why I didn’t notice it with my other births… maybe because I wasn’t as aware of what was going on?) and said, “he’s crowning isn’t he?!?” I heard everyone say “oh yeah, he’s right here” and specifically remember Marcel looking up at me and saying “he’s right here baby!” and that was so comforting.

The next push I birthed my son's head into my husband’s hands. Again, everyone was talking, but what I remember is seeing Marcel’s face. He kept me centered through the pain. He was so amazed and excited and said “Oh my God, oh baby, here he is!” I tried looking down so I could see him, but I couldn’t see around my belly. I’m so happy that I was so conscious and aware of all this and I think it’s so amazing that all I remember is Marcel. It felt so natural to have him down there telling me what was going on and encouraging me. I think God meant for it to be this way; for the father to receive his child and be involved in the birth in this way.

Then doctor told me he needs me to push again for the shoulders. I didn’t feel the urge to, so I asked if I had to do that right now. He said yes he needs to get this shoulder out, and I knew this was a crucial time and trusted him (I found out later that one of his shoulders came out with his head, something that we had discussed prenatally as one of the reasons he’d tell me to push the shoulders out without the urge to do so) so I pushed as hard as I could and ouch did that hurt! I never had pain when I birthed my daughter’s shoulders, but this boy has some broad shoulders!

9:16 pm I heard everyone say “here he is!” and I opened my eyes and saw Marcel handing my beautiful baby boy to me! I immediately said, “Oh sweetie, oh baby, oh my God, hi sweetie” and fell completely in love.

Words just can’t describe this moment. I’m so thankful for these pictures though, because my photographer perfectly captured this moment for us and they perfectly show how I felt! I was laughing and crying and felt like I was floating on a cloud.

I cleaned off Malachi’s face while I was in awe at my beautiful baby that I birthed, after months of growing him inside of me! I did it! I felt so strong and amazed at how perfectly my body created this child and brought him earthside and so thankful to God for giving my body this ability!

Just a few minutes after he was born, the cord stopped pulsating and the doctor asked me if I wanted to double check and make sure I didn’t feel any pulsating. I enjoyed feeling the cord, and it was indeed done, so Marcel cut the cord.

Aside from the nursery nurse checking his breathing and putting on our bands, no one touched him. No one took him from me at all, just like I stated in my plan. There was no resistance or problems with this. No one even tried to take him.

Malachi was so calm and peaceful in my arms.

This image is very powerful to me. This was the first birth my mother was able to witness, and I love how she looks over at our initial bonding, looking so satisfied and happy for us.   Pure, raw, excitement and joy!

I was so happy to be able to kiss his sweet head before he was cleaned off and handed to me like a little burrito.

Look how excited the RN was for us… The only people in the room during his birth besides Marcel and I were my birth photographer, my mom, my doctor, the RN and LPN who was aware of our birth plan, and one nurse from the nursery that was told to read our plan as well. We had no need to give anyone else our “baby care plan”. Everyone knew exactly what we wanted and followed it perfectly. If there was anything they weren’t sure of, they asked. Everyone was very respectful of our needs. Once the placenta detached and delivered, the doctor worked quickly to finish up so he could get out of our way. He checked me for tears, thinking I might have torn more since Marcel delivered the baby, and I only had a small skid mark in the perenium area. After numbing me up really well he gave me a couple stiches, made sure the nurses knew what we were doing with our placenta, gave us tons of congrats, and had the nurses turn off the overhead light so we can peacefully get baby to the breast.

9:30, less than 20 minutes after birth, I was able to breastfeed my baby. He hadn’t even been weighed yet!

The nurses would check in on us to see if we needed anything, and to monitor my bleeding and blood pressure.

He latched on perfectly, and stayed on for an hour!

The nursery nurse told me to let her know when I was ready for her to do his assessments and said she can just do his bath at the same time. I let her know I just wanted his hair washed with my baby wash, and she said that was no problem.

Enjoying my calm, peaceful bonding time!

At 10:30 the girls meet their baby brother! (He still had not left my arms!) He was so alert and peaceful, as soon as they stood next to the bed and he heard them, he turned to look at them and checked them out. A beautiful sibling bonding moment!

Proud daddy!

Photographer momma… haha

Malachi decided an hour wasn’t enough time to eat… so he nursed on the other breast for another 45 minutes!!

After the girls left I was so curious about how much he weighed, so I paged the nursery nurse to come in and do his assessments.

She came in around 11:30 pm. He was so content and peaceful he didn’t even fuss while she was checking him out, and I was able to watch and focus on him.

He weighed 8 lbs. 14 oz.! (Notice he’s still not crying)

His head was 14 in. around and he was 21 in. long

Happy baby getting his hair washed with momma’s organic baby wash.

The nurse asked if I wanted her to put a diaper on or not, and if it was ok to wash the ink off his feet which I was fine with. She also asked if I wanted her to put a HUGS tag on him (the security system tag) since he wouldn’t be out of my sight. I told her I didn’t even know that was an option, and since it is in the way and pointless, let’s leave it off. I was impressed that not only was she following my birth plan, she was thinking of other things I might want or not want done and asking about it.   My happy, peaceful son after he was cleaned up.

I wanted her to leave him undressed so we can have a lot more skin to skin time. Since he was so big for his gestational age, she let me know they normally do blood sugar checks, but quickly offered to just throw that on my list of procedures I was refusing on the waiver form, and I went with that option. I said I’d watch for symptoms of low blood sugar (she informed me what they were) and we’d check him if that happened. He was eating like a champ though, and at no time needed the check.
Shortly after his bath we were taken to our post-partum room where we had a lot more nurses to meet, and all of them read our birth plan and were very respectful of it. I was almost totally pain free. I always heard that the after pains get worse with every baby, but this was by far the least pain I had experienced after birth. The cramping was almost worse than the labor after #2 and 3. I was taking 800 mg of Motrin every 8 hours for at least 2 weeks after all my babies, but I didn’t even feel like I needed anything after I had him. A couple times a day, for the first 3 days, I had 400 mg of Motrin just because I felt a little crampy and feared it would get worse. My bottom wasn’t sore at all (again, first time ever). I had no Pitocin at all (Pitocin is routinely given after all births) and I think this might have something to do with it.   
All of Malachi’s checks were done in our room and he never left our sight. The only time he was poked was for his 24 hour test for the state (which I consented for), and he didn’t even cry for that even though he had to be poked twice because his blood clotted so fast (even though he had no vitamin K injection). He was very alert and breastfed every hour at least. I was pretty sore from that, but didn’t mind. I knew it would pass once he got his latch perfected and my milk came in. Once my milk came in we started having some latching issues, he still nursed at least every hour around the clock, and that lasted about two weeks, but didn’t stop me from breastfeeding. No formula was given; he perfected his latch by three weeks, and at one month of age weighed 11. lbs. 11 oz. and grew an inch in length!

My doctor stopped in to see me on the 16th, even though he was on vacation! I was enjoying relaxing at the hospital and having the nurses take care of us, so we decided to stay as long as we could (which was a first for me). He and I stayed practically naked the whole stay and he either nursed or lay on my chest the whole time. He was a mommy’s boy right from the start and would get very upset if I set him down. He just wanted to be with me, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I felt like I was dreaming; it just didn’t even feel real. Everything had gone so perfectly. We had no attitude or problems from any of the staff the whole time. Everyone followed our birth plan and respected us. I am so glad I made the choice to birth my baby at the hospital! Even though I didn’t have any problems with the delivery, I felt safe and secure, having my respectful, funny, talented surgeon in the room with me and all the medical equipment we would need in case of an emergency, but still had a calm, peaceful, 100% natural birth experience; and all this was covered by my insurance!

I feel different now. I feel stronger and more confident. I am very happy and peaceful. I like myself now and have a much higher self-esteem. When I think back to the labor and delivery, I don’t remember any of the pain (normally that doesn’t happen until at least a year after). I just remember all the joy, strength, excitement and satisfaction I felt.  I am still amazed at what my body has done!  It’s amazing to me how much of an impact a birth experience can have on a woman, and I thank God that I was able to have this experience!